It's a little difficult having a birthday in the first week of the new year. Nothing puts your life in perspective and under a microscope than having family gatherings or virtual catch-ups during the last two weeks, and a mainstream culture that hammers the importance of new year's resolutions. Admittedly, it only became difficult after I finished school. Suddenly the next steps people are anticipating from me seem largely out of my control or things I just don't feel ready for. I've come to face my birthdays with some trepidation, nervous about the next year where nothing might change for the better or everything might change for the worse.

But I also acknowledge that within the last couple of years, many people lost the opportunity to have their birthdays at all. For some people, the prospect of having their next one seem pretty dim. In the face of a massive global loss of life, do I really have the right to complain about an otherwise cushy, sheltered life?

On One Hand

Maybe I would feel a little less uneasy, if it weren't the big 3-0, you know? I remember a co-worker at my old job who's a few years older than me. She told me about her experience turning 30, and laughing about it in hindsight. She thought she needed to change her lifestyle entirely, dress up more formally, throw out her jeans and her sweatshirts. Seeing that she still often wore sweaters and jeans when we were working together, she clearly didn't follow through with that. And to be fair, she had a very youthful personality. Before I had known how old she was, I thought she was just a couple years out of school.

And maybe that's where my issue is; maybe I'm struggling with my birthdays because I have this preconceived notion of what I should be as a person getting older. I saw a funny tweet some time ago that said something along the lines of, "Growing up feels like you're staying the same, but everyone around you is getting younger." And yes. That is exactly how I feel. I feel somewhat the same as my 18 year old self, although perhaps a little less insecure and a little more self-aware. I have the same aspirations as my 25 year old self. But I'm feeling the aging process externally, in the questions people ask ("Why are you still single?") and in the types of people I interact with. Celebrities feel like they are so young these days, although I know that young people have been rising to fame since forever. The interns we're hiring at work were born during the years I'd expect pre-teens to be born in. I now do a double take and think, "Oh, that's right, you're over 20 now."

I think part of my struggle comes from feeling behind all the time. I see people my age or younger getting senior tech positions in their companies, or getting six-figure book deals in major publishing houses, or getting married and having kids and buying their own homes. And while my accomplishments are nothing to laugh at — earning a good degree that led me to comfortable job that supports my current lifestyle — for some reason, I still feel like I'm at the early-20's stage of life compared to many people. Technology changes so quickly that I am hesitant to say I've achieved senior status in any of the tech stack I've worked on; I'm still trying to navigate my own path in digital-based self-publishing; and I've never had a serious romantic relationship before.

Many people will tell me, "Stop comparing yourself to others." And if "others" were distant acquaintances or some random person whose social media account I stumbled across, I would agree. I don't know what they are going through. I don't know what sacrifices they've made. I don't know if there's a gaping hole in their life that they're struggling to cover up. But "others" in this case are relatives or my sibling or close friends. We belong to the same socio-economic status, but sometimes I feel so much more behind than where they are given that I have the same access to opportunities and resources that they do. And sometimes I just feel like I'm doing things wrong.

It's difficult to envision what I will do in my 30s. It used to be that you could have a five-year plan or a ten-year plan, but if there's anything that I've learned in the past couple of years, you probably can't even have a two-month plan. In some ways this is disappointing. I've always been a goal-oriented person, and it's hard to look at my future and find it blurry and fuzzy. I feel aimless at a time when I should be laying the foundations for a good adult life. But in some ways, this may be a positive thing. Sometimes it's just as hard to veer off a well-planned life and just as easy to feel stuck when you've gotten in a rut.

And On the Other

I don't want this post to be all about my hang-ups. Taking stock of the past decade, there have been many high points in my life, many things that I've achieved that other people might struggle with at any age. Like I said, I do lead a comfortable, sheltered life, and if that contributes to me lacking experience in some ways, it also helps in keeping me safe and within a structure where I can pursue certain interests.

In the last decade I have earned a Bachelor's and a Master's degree in a field of study and work that I truly enjoy. I know that for many people, even getting through higher education is a struggle — either financially or because the path they want to pursue in life isn't something that can be learned within school walls. So in a way, I'm lucky, because I have the type of personality that fits what's currently the most popular form of instruction in educational environments. I'm lucky too to be in a country where the price of getting a University degree is lower compared to other places in the world.

I was also able to transition seamlessly to a software career, working at great companies that respected me and my skills, and whose values align with my own. I often hear of other young women ending up in startups or even well-established companies that have "bro" culture and "locker room" talks. I'm quite lucky that I've managed to dodge those. I'm definitely not saying that those experiences don't exist — they still do! But I also think experiences like mine give hope to younger generations that things are changing in the industry and there's space for all of us.

This may not seem like a major achievement to most people, but it is for me: I passed my driving exams. I know that many people take those exams and get their license when they're teenagers, but I only got fully licensed a couple years ago. And that's after failing three times across two of the different exam levels. I was such an anxious driver, and there have been plenty of close calls where I really thought I would get into an accident. But now that I own a car and I'm more comfortable in it (driving other people's cars just don't feel the same, let's admit it), I really appreciate that I can go to certain places without having to rely on other people to get me there. It's come in handy especially now during the pandemic — I have not taken the public transit in two years!

Last, but not least, I wrote a novel in not just one, but two languages! I think that's a pretty cool accomplishment. I still love that the story is set in a world inspired by my native country, because even now, I still don't see stories set in this type of world. Especially not ones written in Filipino. Not only have I learned so much about what it takes to write a novel, I am also really proud of the burgeoning community I'm building around my stories. It's very heartening to see that people are interested in the stories I have to tell. So I thank you too, if you've read my stories, or even just browsed through the site or my blog or any of my social media platforms. You're part of my journey in life that makes all the lows a little more bearable.

Of course, I couldn't have accomplished these things if it weren't for a bit of luck or privilege or blessings. It's easy to focus on the milestones that you have to hit and forget about the things that has allowed you to even be on the road that you're on. The fact that I was able to get two degrees, that I was able to be selective about the jobs I applied to, that I could spend most of my free time writing novels, I owe to my family who set me on this path and who continue to support what I want to do. I know how hard many of these milestones can be for those who may not have a support network, whether that be family or relatives or just friends you can rely on to help you when you're down on your luck.

---

What I know for sure is that there will be changes in the next few years of my life, and that they might not always fall in line with what I'm comfortable with. So I will need to be creative to see how to turn things around for the better. And I'm just going to have faith that things will turn out okay. Maybe not perfect. But okay.